I'm an eternal optimist...when it comes to other people. I really do believe that people are trying their best, doing great jobs, and everyone is just killing it in their own special ways. Unfortunately, I cannot seem to extend that same grace and compassion towards myself. It's something that I'm working on. I need to work on being my own best friend. I need to tell myself the same things that I would tell my best friend or even a stranger on the street. Trust me, I'm working on it.
Lately, my almost 9 month old son refuses to breastfeed. Part of it is always being on the go and he'd rather cruise around the room playing than sit down and nurse quietly for a few minutes. Part of it is that he's eating more solid foods and my supply has lowered. Part of it is his teeth which has made nursing a little cringe-worthy since he's been using me as a human chew toy. The other night, while I was trying to wrestle him into a bedtime nursing session, he bit me. He broke the skin. It wasn't pretty. Because of the injury, I've been pumping to try and keep my supply but it's pitiful and frustrating and puts me on the verge of tears.
Now, if my friend came up to me and told me this, I would rub her on the back and gently say that she's tried her best. And as long as her baby is happy and healthy, she is doing a great job. I would pour her a hot cup of coffee and talk it out. Because this is happening to myself, my internal dialogue resembles more of a Miss Trunchbull than a Miss Honey. (Matilda reference, what's up?!)
"Just try something different"
"Don't give up"
"Your baby needs you."
"This is natural, dammit!"
"Don't give up! Never give up, Never surrender!!!"
Giving up isn't a failure. Surrending to the circumstances that life has given you is sometimes the smartest move. When we stress the importance of persistence over the value of self-preservation, we end up with dude-bros who don't know when to stop texting, when end up with mothers crying at their desks because they forget to turn on the crockpot, when end up with children who vomit because their science fair project didn't work out. If it's your book that is sagging in the middle, if it's a crappy relationship, if it's a day that just won't stop kicking your ass, it's okay. Put it down. If it's not servicing you any longer, put it down. It will be there for another time. It's going to be okay.
Sometimes, we need to acknowledge our limitations. It's okay to feel defeated, maybe even cry a little, and then gather ourselves together and try again tomorrow or maybe just try something differently.
Buck up, kiddo. Tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow is a new chance.
I'm not a stranger to struggle. I'm not one to look at a challenge and back down. I got married at 19. I hopped in a uHaul and drove 3000 miles away with my new husband. Once upon a time, I had a full school schedule, a full-time job and an internship. I had two babies without epidurals. I have enough confidence in myself that I know I can do a lot. I also know that I'm not a "quitter."
But, I'm human. I only have some much mind space, emotional space, physical capabilities.
So, today I'm licking my wounds, pouring a giant glass of wine and reminding myself that I always have tomorrow.
So, self. Listen here: Be kind to yourself. Be your own best friend.